Why do many people hate conflicts?

What would you say if I suggested that we step outside and have a conflict? When I ask people to tell me what they think of the minute I mention the word "conflict," they say: argue, combat, confrontation, disagreement, fight, resistance, tension, threat, violence, warfare, etc. Many of these words are negative.

Why are our first thoughts so negative? I think it is because we have handled so many "disagreements" badly in the past. The media influences us too. We see characters on the screen put each other down, yell, and scream, throw things, and often lose control turning violent. A lot of damage results from many conflicts we have witnessed. No wonder then we try to avoid conflicts or dread those that lie ahead.

Is it possible instead to view conflicts positively? Could we look forward to them? We have to overcome our bias and previous experiences and realize that nothing changes if we don't do something. The only way to improve a situation is to confront it. If an issue or problem is resolved to our satisfaction, we are glad we tackled it and feel more positive about the other person and our relationship. Of course just confronting another alone is not the answer. We need to approach them and the problem in a way that results in mutually satisfying outcomes. We need to learn new, different, and more effective ways to confront others.
(Picture by JoshuaSearls55)

Everyday Conflicts

Think you have no conflicts. Think again. Perhaps your idea of a conflict is an upsetting situation in which you engaged in yelling, screaming, calling each other names, throwing things. This is definitely a conflict, but other events count as well.

Perhaps you are avoiding running into someone. Why? Is that because you differ with the person on some important matter? Have had bad encounters with the other? You can't stand something about the other person but haven't told them what it is?

Perhaps you don't think you have any conflicts because you simply give in. Of course you would rather go somewhere else, see a different movie, engage in another activity, but you don't voice your alternatives. You just go with the flow, but wish otherwise, and don't want to make waves.

There are many definitions of conflict but generally they include the idea that there is a disagreement between people. Usually they either disagree on goals (what to do) or the means to those goals (how to go about it). They may vary in degree ranging from simple differences of opinion to more serious shouting matches and even interpersonal violence. They may also vary in the degree to which they affect the relationship from an "agree to disagree" to ending a conversation by slamming a door or even breaking up a romantic relationship or quitting a job. Not speaking to someone or avoiding another person also counts as conflict.

The conflicts of interest to us are significant ones we have with people who matter, such as our friends, neighbors, romantic partners, and people we work with. When a conflict reaches a point where it threatens our relationship, we have a serious problem on our hands. We know that a big enough conflict can destroy a relationship. Some conflicts that started out small become large because we ignored them or didn't deal with effectively to begin with.

So, do you see that you are involved in conflicts most days? While we encounter disagreements practically everyday, how we manage them is key. Effective conflict management occurs when we come to an agreement that is desirable for all the parties concerned.
(picture by Mermaid5678)

There is no perfect person

One misconception (or myth) is that there is a perfect person out there with whom we will have no conflict. The fact is that everyone (no matter who) presents problems, raises issues, and engages us in conflicts at one time or another.

This is because conflicts arise as we spend more time together and perhaps live together. People down the street may not get on our nerves, next door neighbors do pose more problems (kids, noise, spill over onto your property, park in your spot, etc.), and those we live with add even more problems to the list (i.e., should the toilet seat be left up or down? Which way should the toilet paper be put on the roll?). Some people who do not care if a distant neighbor smokes, can't stand a roommate doing it inside or near their front door. We can tolerate more from strangers than we can from those we spend a lot of time around. That is because we are affected more when those who irritate us are those we are around or care about the most.

So if we plan to spend more time with another person or plan to live with them, we should not be surprised that the list of possible conflicts increases dramatically and the list contains some rather trivial matters.

The point then is not to try to avoid other people or to look for someone who is perfect, but rather to learn how to manage the expected conflicts in our everyday lives. Future posts are designed to help us all better manage our conflicts with others.
(Picture by jewelsbeauty)