When I first started teaching conflict management classes, college students often asked me how to deal with conflicts in their lives, how to approach their romantic partners, roommates/housemates, teachers, and bosses and what to say, exactly. They wanted specific advice, step by step. In response, I developed the following 6 step sequence, which pulls together the advice I gave in earlier blogs.
Step 1: Prepare for confronting the other person about the problem. You need to decide whether or not to confront the other person. Try to identify the specific problem, including your concerns, interests, and unmet needs. Will the problem get worse if not addressed? How will it affect your relationship with the other person? If you believe that the problem has reached a point where it is really bothering you or negatively impacting on the two of you, you probably should have said something sooner. Don't wait any longer. Try to think optimistically and give the other person a chance to offer an explanation or change some bad habit (see my September 17, 2009 blog below for suggestions on thinking about problems). This is also a good time to write out an "I-statement" (See my blog below for September 18, 2009 on the subject). You may not need to read it word for word exactly as written to the other person, but you want to be sure to cover your feelings, the problem, how you are affected, and what you want specifically.
Step 2: Make an appointment to talk to the other person. This is when you say, "we need to talk." Even if you are living together, you need to set aside a time to give each other your undivided attention. Usually you want to address issues within 24 hours, but you need to pick a time and place that is convenient, affords some privacy, and is free of distractions. Times to avoid are when a person comes home hungry and tired from a day at work or is in the midst of watching a television program. It is difficult to discuss serious problems over the telephone and even worse to try to do it via email, so try to arrange to meet in person. Parents often wait until after the kids are tucked in for the night, busy college students sometimes have to wait for the weekend to sit down and talk.
Step 3: Confront the other person at the prearranged time and place. Here is where you put into practice your I-statements (see my September 18, 2009 blog below). If the discussion starts getting heated, you should practice the S-TLC steps (see my September 17, 2009 blog below) and if both sides appear to be digging in, you should practice the techniques for increasing your options (see my September 24, 2009 blog below). Hopefully you will attempt more cooperative negotiation techniques and try to avoid turning the conflict into a competitive negotiation (see my September 21, 2009 blog below).
Step 4: Hear the person out. Just as you want the other person to not interrupt you, listen to what you have to say, and respect your position, so should you. In addition to not interrupting the other and paying attention by looking at the person, you should also ask a question or two. "So, you tell me what you are thinking. How does all this set with you?" You should be prepared to hear some criticism, requests to change your behavior in someway, or complaints you may or may not have heard before. Problematic situations are often not one sided (with only one person at fault). Behaviors are often interrelated such that the other person is behaving in a certain way because of something you are doing. We both contribute in some way to the problem at hand. However, it is important not to become defensive or angry. Don't try to think of ways to refute what the other says, but rather consider the issue from the other person's point of view. How would you feel if you were the other person experiencing your behavior? > (see my September 17, 2009 blog below for suggestions on listening to the other).
Step 5: Come to agreement. Try to collaborate (work together) in resolving the issue or problem (see my September 9, 2009 blog below on collaboration). As I mentioned before, agreements should be specific. Rather than agree to "help more around the house," spell it out: You vacuum, while I do the kitchen floors. You do the laundry, and I'll dust the rooms. Note that an agreement should have something for everyone. You get this, and I get that.
Step 6: Follow up. People don't usually think of this step, but it is as important as the others. After a period of time, perhaps a week or a month, depending on the issue/agreement, you should both sit down and revisit the problem and solution to ensure that both parties are complying and comfortable with the outcome. In some cases, the improvements are noticeable right away, but in other cases, it may take a while before you are in situations where you can see if they are now handled differently. However, in time it may become apparent that one party has "forgotten" to follow through and needs reminding. Other times, one party is unhappy with the way the conflict was resolved, so it is important to address these misgivings. When following up, it may be necessary to revise the agreement or even scrap it in favor of trying something new. However, if both parties are complying and satisfied with the outcome, this would be a good time to celebrate! Perhaps go out to dinner or a movie or throw a party for friends. Doing something for fun to celebrate successfully resolving a conflict that results in mutual satisfaction is reinforcing. This way you reward good behavior and are more likely to use the 6 steps to successful confrontation in the future.
Following these steps to successful confrontation is more likely to lead to a mutually satisfying resolution to the problem or issue and gives the other person a chance to work with you to improve the situation. All too often we don't give the other person a chance by avoiding the issue until we can't stand it and then explode in a way that divides us rather than work together toward a mutually satisfying outcome. (These 6 steps to confrontation are discussed in more detail in Chapter 6 of Managing Conflict Through Communication, which I co-authored with Ruth Anna Abigrail, if you wish to cite them elsewhere.) (Photo by kendradee33)
