Did you have to hit her (him): Is violence inevitable?

I remember when a former student came to see me, sat across from me, and told me how he had just hit a guy who angered him at a game arcade in a local shopping mall. He said he lost his cool and wanted help to prevent that from happening again.

The term violence includes physical violence and verbal abuse. I see interpersonal violence, physical aggression, and abusive relationships as types of interpersonal conflict, albeit extreme and unhealthy.

New York like Pennsylvania has many Quakers, who played an important role in our country's development by giving us the city of Brotherly Love (Philadelphia), helping with the League of Nations, creating Alternatives to Violence Programs, Mediation training, and the idea of Restorative Justice. I was trained by Quakers in a local Alternatives to Violence Program, and then allowed to accompany them into two state penitentiaries, one of which was a maximum security prison. We passed through 4 electric gates to get to the most violent offenders. Oddly enough, sitting with them in groups and working through the anti-violence program, I was struck with how much they were like other people I knew on the outside, except for one characteristic: Many did not entertain the idea that there was an alternative to violence in many common situations. When discussing case studies or participating in role plays, they would say, "you can't back down, you have to fight for her, I would have to kill him," etc. When I introduce similar situations in the college classroom, I almost never hear these fighting words. My students seem to recognize that there are alternatives in a conflict situation, whereas many of the inmates did not.

What separates many of us on the outside of the prison from those on the inside is the recognition that conflicts need not turn violent, because we have options when handling our differences with others. The notion of choice applies to interpersonal violence in two ways. First, when we turn violent we are using force to prevent others’ freedom of choice. How many times have you heard defendants in a murder trial say: "I killed her because I couldn't bear to live with out her...I couldn't let her go." Obviously, the murderer had a warped idea of love. I find the following saying useful in cases like these: "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it's yours. If it doesn't, it never really was in the first place." -- Anonymous.

Second, the notion of choice should help us realize that we need not turn violent in the first place. We always have choices in conflict situations, we are all responsible for our own actions, and we can make a difference in our lives and others. Although conflict is inevitable, it need not, and should not get out of hand, turn violent, and harm our relationships with others.

By teaching nonviolent solutions to problems, setting an example in our daily lives, and raising our children to resolve interpersonal conflicts peacefully, we are helping to reduce a serious social problem. Thus, learning to avoid escalation (i.e., learning de-escalation) is an important goal of future postings to this blog. I did have suggestions to give the student who came to see after his fight, so stay tuned.
(Picture by CarsonHill779)