What choices do I have?

Throughout your life, you probably never thought about the options you have when you see a conflict coming. You probably just chose one way or other without really realizing what you were doing. However, information on your options may help you make better decisions in the future.

There are different ways we can respond or react to a pending conflict. A very common reaction is to choose not to deal with it. That means we could avoid the person, situation, or issue altogether, or if we can't do that, we could quickly give in and not make waves. A lot of people don't want to spend time arguing with someone else for a lot of different reasons --such as knowing they won't win the argument, fear of abuse or frightening rage, not wanting to suffer other negative consequences like breaking up, losing a job, or losing a friend, or not knowing how to confront and arguing with others in a positive, constructive way.

But, not dealing with a situation goes nowhere. Nothing changes because problems do not go away by themselves. Sometimes when in a temporary bad situation, we just have to tough it out, but in interpersonal relationships, where the relationship is important to you, it does not pay to always give in and not make waves. Sooner or later one who always gives in becomes fed up, probably erupts at some point, and may even end the relationship once and for all. Even those who "suck the life" out of others to the extent that they lose their sense of self, eventually lose respect for them and turn their attention to other more interesting people.

When is it not OK to overlook issues? If you find yourself later regretting that you did not speak up earlier, then you probably should have said something. Putting it off only makes matters worse. So, while one legitimately may not deal with every issue in a relationship, because it is minor or temporary, people who always avoid or accommodate the other end up unhappy.

Other reactions to pending conflicts include: aggressive (verbally abusive and using physical force, controlling, dominating) and passive-aggressive (initially agreeing or supporting, but later behind the person's back engaging in "back stabbing"). In my last blog, I talked about the problem with aggressive reactions to conflicts. We all know and dislike someone who is passive-aggressive. Neither are responses we can be proud of.

One last option is the most recommended, assertiveness or standing up for you rights, interests, needs, or concerns, but not at the expense of others. In some cases, this means compromise, where you don't get everything you want or always get what you need, but you figure that something is better than nothing. Better still is what we call collaboration, where everyone is satisfied with the outcome. This is often called a win-win solution to the problem because everyone walks away feeling good about the decision.

This is not to say that I think we all should be assertive in every situation. In cases that are minor or temporary, it may pay to be a team player and nonassertive. When trying to protect oneself from injury by others, it may be necessary to react aggressively in self defense. If someone threatens you, it may be necessary to give in initially but later have the person arrested. However, in most other cases it pays to be assertive and attempt to collaborate more with others. How one better manages her or his conflicts by asserting oneself and collaborating is what this blog is all about.
(Picture by BlackDevil03X)