S-TLC steps to dealing with conflict

I have written a lot about conflict, but the one topic that people seem to remember most and comment on using the most often is my 4 step S-TLC model. Many admit not thinking along these lines until I introduced the 4 essential steps to take when engaging in a conflict. I copyrighted these 4 steps in Chapter 3 of a textbook: Managing Conflict Through Communication (2007), which I co-authored with Ruth Anna Abigail. To help people remember these steps, I use S-TLC, for stop, think, listen, communicate

STOP: Take a time out! Before you say or do anything, stop and get a hold of yourself. Too many of us react to a situation, and then we later regret what we said or did in the heat of the battle. Many people have trouble with this step of the model. How do you pause long enough to get control of yourself? You should come up with what works for you, but reading what others do may help you think of something your could use in the future. Here are some suggestions:

1. Leave for a few minutes or however long it takes to get control of yourself. You could walk around the block, go get a cup of coffee, or smoke a cigarette (if you must).
2. If you can't leave, try counting to 100 (or count backwards), ask to change the topic of conversation for a while, agree to sit and say nothing for a few minutes.

THINK: While taking a time out and before saying anything you might later regret, reflect on what you want, what you think the other person wants, imagine how your interaction might go if you say something one way or another.

1. Ask yourself, what it is you want from the other person. If everything went your way, what is the best you could hope for? Then, on a more realistic level, under the circumstances, what might you expect to gain?
2. If you make your needs, concerns, interests known, what impact will your assertiveness have on your relationship with the other person?
3. Behaving one way or another, how will you affect the other person's view of you as a person? Will you be seen as thoughtful, conscientious, reasonable? Or a hot head, lose cannon, a person unable to control her/himself?

LISTEN: After you make your request, offer your view, and explain why all this is important to you, then hear the other people out. Give them a chance to make requests, offer their views, and explain why they feel as they do.

1. Pay attention to the other by looking at them, nodding your head, and saying, uh-huh, OK, I see, etc.
2. Don't interrupt the other person. Don't make negative facial expressions or show lack of interest.
3. Try to put yourself in the other's place to see the conflict from the other's point of view. Ask the person questions.
4. At some point, summarize to the other what you think the person is saying. This forces you to pay attention, and makes the other person realize that you get the message. You could ask them to do the same for you.

COMMUNICATE: I view communication as a process (involving a series of steps) by which people interact in a way that involves coordination (working together), so that the outcome is a mutual understanding. One should not try to be controlling and dominating. I cringe whenever I hear someone say, "I have to be right," "I always win the argument," "I am never wrong," "I know what's best for you," "I don't care what you think," "I have the best idea, " What you think doesn't matter," "You have to do this or else..." All theses phrases are one-sided. However, we have all heard the phrase, 2 heads are better than 1. So as you communicate with the other person,

1. hear each other out, try to cooperate, work together.
2. Discuss the problem, not what you think of each other at that moment.
3. Keep trying to see the problem or issue from the other's point of view, which is what he or she is trying to tell you if you listen to the person.
4. Try to keep an open mind, withhold judgment, don't jump to conclusions, welcome feedback.

With which of the S-TLC steps do you have the biggest problem? When talking to groups of 20-30 people, I find some who say that one step or another is their biggest problem, but some admit that 2, 3 or all 4 steps are a big problem for them. I suggest that everyone carry a card with the words stop, think, listen, communicate written on it. Also, make a note or two for each word to help you make the right choices. I might write: Stop--walk around the block, Think--What do I want?, Listen--ask questions & give feedback, Communicate--Don't dominate. You need to adapt your card more to your style and available options. What works for you is what you need to do.
(Picture by LA_signals)