Attacking and Saving Face

How we see ourselves is extremely important, both to us as individuals, but also to those we would like to have as friends, lovers, and mates. Obviously, no one likes to lose face, and yet in conflict, people often engage in putdowns, character attacks, and name calling. Not so obvious is the fact that we build our relationships with others based on our similarities and commonalities, as much as we do on our differences. If you can offer me something I don't have or can't get otherwise, that makes you particularly valuable to me, a difference I can live with! However, other differences can be sources of frustration, anger, and disappointment. While there may be some similarities that are problematic (we are both poor, unintelligent, etc.), there are other similarities that strengthen a relationship, such as interests, attitudes, values, and beliefs that we have in common. This is one reason why many people are attracted to others who have similar backgrounds and experiences.

A useful exercise that emphasizes our similarities and differences and makes apparent the role our face plays in our relationships with others is the "20 Statements Test." The exercise goes like this: You and another person of interest list (on your own) as many as you can answers to the question, "Who am I?" Try to list at least 20, although you may not do it all at once. You can still add later to the list when other ideas come to you. In my list, I might say:

I am a college professor
I like to write books and teach about conflict
I am a husband, father, grandfather, son
I like to mountain bike, exercise,
I like to fish in the summer.
I like to read mystery, action, and political novels
I like teaching online, maintaining a blog, and Facebook.
and so on

When I meet people, with some I can discuss college teaching, book writing, places to fish, an interesting author, or computer and online activities. If another person, puts down college teachers or intellectuals or liberals or fishing, I find myself less attracted to that person and perhaps even offended or upset by something said.

My wife and I each wrote our "20 Statements Test" before we married many years ago, and it is interesting how many of the statements rang true over the years. You could say that the answers to "Who am I" gave us a good idea of what parts of our self or face the other needed to accept and support and what parts resulted in conflicts sooner or later.

How do you support the other's face? You can signal ahead of time that you don't mean to attack the other person's face with what you have to say. For example, a woman could say, "I know how much you enjoy golfing, and you want to spend a lot of time at it, but now that we have decided to have a baby, I am going to need more help from you around here, which may cut into the time you will have to do some of the things you want to do." Note that she acknowledged something important to the other before making a statement that is potentially problematic for their relationship.

You can also support the other's face while talking to the person both generally and specifically. In a general sense, we all want to be loved, needed, valued, respected, appreciated, etc. So you could say, "I like a lot of what you did here and many of your ideas will help us a lot, but there is one suggestion that would cost too much for us to do at this time. Note again the person's attempts to show appreciation although the person could not follow though 100%.

In a more specific manner, we need to accept and support the items on the "20 Statements Test." If I like to play golf, your taking an interest in it would contribute greatly to our relationship. It becomes something we can do together. I like to ask couples to list what they both enjoy, that is, what they enjoy doing together. A couple once told me that there wasn't a single activity they liked to do together. For example, he liked sailing, but his wife couldn't stand it. She liked operas, and he didn't. Note that one needed to take up something that interested the other or they both needed to take the time and effort to find something they both could enjoy. The activities we both enjoy and like to do together are the building blocks of a relationship.

Suppose you goofed and said something you wish you hadn't -- like you put the other person down in some way or criticized something they value resulting in hard feelings. There are steps you can take to mend the relationship. Let's say you said you had no interest in taking social dancing lessons with your romantic partner, and she made it clear to you that she is upset over your lack of interest. After giving the matter some thought, you approach her and offer an explanation as to why there is a problem with her idea -- maybe it is too expensive, time consuming, bad timing, far away, or not the type of dancing you would enjoy. You can also apologize, saying you are sorry that you have upset her. Finally, you can offer some kind of concession or restitution (which explains why so many men buy their women flowers) by suggesting another activity or different location or cheaper option. Your efforts to restore her face may not be successful and the relationship becomes more difficult to restore. Sometimes other people are too stubborn and nothing works for them. However, it you have a good explanation, apologize, and find a mutually acceptable substitution, a reasonable person should see the merits of your alternative and a positive outcome may result. Such cases point to the importance of the "20 Statement Test" as an indicator of those aspects of self and face that require acceptance and support. The failure to identify areas that both parties can enjoy, accept, or support spells trouble.(Photo by RKOpunk)