In my last blog, I looked at more difficult situations, involving scarce resources -- which look like a win-lose situation (I get the resource and you don't). Today's blog focuses on ways to generate more options to convert the situation from a competitive one to a cooperative negotiation because we can then resolve the conflict in a way that satisfies us both.
Generating more options often requires thinking outside of the box, maybe even getting creative. How do we do this?
1. Brainstorming: This term is often misunderstood. It is not something we do by ourselves. It is also not the same as discussing ideas. We brainstorm with the other person or each of us brainstorms with our family or friends or colleagues at work, and we simply list all the suggestions without discussing them or evaluating any of the ideas. Why not? Calling something a good idea or a bad idea discourages others from making contributions. Even a bad idea can trigger people to think of other better ideas. Also, later on, several of the ideas (which were less effective by themselves) may be combined to solve a problem. So brainstorming often produces a way to solve a problem that had not occurred to the conflicting parties initially.
2. Cost-cutting: One way to resolve a conflict may cost you in time, money, and effort. Part of the solution to the problem might involve the other party contributing time, money, or effort to make life easier or more affordable for you.
3. Compensating: This occurs after an incident because it involves reimbursement. Whereas cost-cutting pertains to the future, compensation involves the past. If you suffered in some way, the other person may offer to compensate you for your loss of time, money, effort, or pain.
4. Changing positions to interests: We learned in making I-statements (see Sept. 18 blog), that the last part should be a statement of your goal in the conflict, what you want specifically. You want to use our only car tonight, but I want to go somewhere else. Notice the word "want" here. What we want, specifically, is our position, which may involve a scarce resource -- only one car that we both want to take in opposite directions. Our interests however occur on a higher level because they are our needs. In this situation, our interest or need is for transportation. The shift from "I want this car" to "I need transportation tonight" is a shift in thinking. Suddenly, we realize that there may be other ways to get from point A to point B. A friend in going to the same event, and I might be able to go with him, while you take the car. So we both go where we want to and who gets the car becomes irrelevant. Shifting from positions or wants to interests or needs often results in resolution.
5. Granting priority: We can invite the conflicting parties to each draw up a list of items to be negotiated and rank them. We might then agree to grant each other the top one (or two), but negotiate the rest on the list. Note: both mush grant the other the top item. This can be viewed like a trade off. I give you X but in return I get Y. Often granting the highest items frees up the negotiation so that the remaining issues can be resolved much more easily.
6. Tossing a coin. In our society we have many ways to assist people in making decisions. We know that two people are going to arrive at a doorway at the same time, so we say "women before men" or "age before beauty, etc." I am amazed that even in life threatening situations, these methods work. On a sinking ship, we are reminded, "women and children go first. " "Who risks her or his life?" let's flip a coin or draw straws. Rock/scissors/paper and drawing numbers to wait at the deli are techniques people often use to settle potential disputes. Of course, you have to get agreement before hand on the technique if there isn't one already in place (like doorways and sinking ships). Once that is agreed upon (like let's see who is the fastest, so let's race for it), the conflict is often easily resolved.
Entering into a difficult and complex negotiation, we might begin by granting each other the top item on our priority list, we might then engage in brainstorming, cost-cutting or compensation, and focus on interests rather than positions to resolve many of the other issues. Finally, we might agree to tossing a coin or some other common method for resolving what remains. In any case, we will have tried to be creative, and employed negotiation techniques for generating more options to resolve the irresolvable. (Photo by fezinator1)
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