Negotiating over scarce resources

Many conflicts clear up as soon as we make our wants, interests, and needs know to others. Sometimes, they just need to know and they will quickly grant your wishes. Other times, with the communication skills described so far, they will accept a solution if they see benefit to themselves. In either case, you asserted yourself and worked with them collaboratively to resolve the issue.

In this blog, I look at a more difficult situation, involving scarce resources -- not enough to go around. What if you both want to use the same car tonight, don't have enough money to buy what you want and the other person wants, want to be with the same man or woman that someone else wants, want to be with your family over the holidays but the other wants to be with his or her family at the same time, or both of you want to watch two different TV programs at the same time? In these cases, making your needs or desires known to the other is not enough. You also need additional tools to increase the options for reaching an agreement. Today's blog focuses on how you can do that.

My ideas for today's blog come from the subject of negotiation. There negotiators exchange proposals and counter proposals as a means of reaching a satisfactory settlement. Negotiators are governed by the minimax principle, where they strive to minimize loses and maximize gains.

The rub is that there are two entirely different ways to negotiate, either cooperative or competitive, each with its own purpose. First, there is competitive negotiation, which is useful for dealing with people with whom you do not have or desire an interpersonal relationship. Such cases may include buying/selling a car, house, etc. In such cases, one should start high, concede slowly, emphasize the value of one’s offers, conceal some information (like home much you earn or have saved in the bank), argue forcefully, and try to outwait the other. In these situations, it is OK to view the situation as win-lose. You want to sell at the highest possible price, while the other is trying to get the lowest.

Secondly, cooperative negotiation can be a win-win. It is an integrative form that combines formal bargaining techniques with many basic interpersonal skills such as effective listening, assertiveness, supportive communication, and collaboration. This works best when both parties trust one another and the outcomes could be mutually satisfactory. In these situations, competitive negotiation would leave at least one party dissatisfied and could lead to the destruction of an interpersonal relationship. Rather, the parties need to view the situation as win-win. They want both parties to feel good about the outcome of the negotiation.

So you want to save competitive negotiation for selling/buying houses, cars, etc., but use cooperative negotiation for friends, family, and romantic partners, etc. How we actually engage in cooperative negotiation is the subject of my next blog. (Photo by Rebeloneil).