What should I say in a conflict? (I-statements)

In my last blog, I introduced the idea of communicating our wants, interests, and needs to others, but in a way that involves working together rather than forcing our wants on others. One useful technique for accomplishing this is through the use of I-statements. Generally you-statements ("you this...you that..." ) arouse defensiveness in others. I-statements do not.

I-statements consists of 4 parts:

1. Feelings: You need to state how you feel (emotionally). I feel angry..upset..frustrated..sad..afraid...anxious...uncomfortable... is much less likely to arouse defensiveness. How can anyone deny how you feel? Besides an expression of your feelings is of interest to others, if they care about you.

2. Problem: You need to identify the behavior that caused you to feel the way you do. I feel angry because you didn't return any of my calls...were late...forgot our special day...took the car without telling me...left dishes in the sink...didn't vacuum like you were supposed to. The problem is the issue or the event that triggered the conflict.

3. Consequences: You need to also explain why the other's actions affect you the way they do. I thought maybe something happened to you (because you didn't show or call).. maybe you don't care enough about me or think enough about me...left me stranded because I needed the car...it is unfair for me to have to work and do the housework too... We cannot expect others to be mind readers. They do not always realize how their behavior impacts on you.

4. Goal: What do you want? If the other were to agree to do something, what would you want him or her to do? You need to be specific about what you want. Don't say, you want the person to be on time after this because that may not always be possible. Say you want the person to try to be on time, but if they can't, then to call you and let you know when they can be there. Or, you want them to start marking special days on a calendar as a reminder. Or, you want the person to ask before taking the car. Don't say that you want more help with the housework. Instead, say that you want the other to wash the dishes and not leave them in the sink over night or you want the other to vacuum once every week. I am suggesting ways you can clearly express the goal you have in mind.

I-statements can consist of a single sentence like "I am anxious and afraid when you don't show because I think that something may have happened to you, so I want you to try to be on time, but if you can't, then call me." I have found it useful to even write out this sentence ahead of time. However, you can also cover each of the 4 parts in the course of a discussion in which you spend some time talking about your feelings, then mentioning the problem, eventually explaining how it affects you, and then finally telling the other person what you want (goal).

I-statements help us take responsibility for our feelings and wants, and enable us to stand up for what we think is important. If we don't tell others what we are thinking, can we blame them for being confused, uncertain, or blame them for acting the way they do? At least we owe them the chance to cooperate, change, or make amends.

However, if we use I-statements, but the other continues to ignore our feelings and wants, then this may be a clear sign that the other person doesn't care about you. Then you need to say something like, "I am frustrated and upset when you ignore my requests because I don't think you care about me. I want you to try to be more considerate of me by taking my requests seriously." If that fails, then you truly have a very serious problem in your relationship. (Picture by by rosco_sandy).