What choices do I have?

Throughout your life, you probably never thought about the options you have when you see a conflict coming. You probably just chose one way or other without really realizing what you were doing. However, information on your options may help you make better decisions in the future.

There are different ways we can respond or react to a pending conflict. A very common reaction is to choose not to deal with it. That means we could avoid the person, situation, or issue altogether, or if we can't do that, we could quickly give in and not make waves. A lot of people don't want to spend time arguing with someone else for a lot of different reasons --such as knowing they won't win the argument, fear of abuse or frightening rage, not wanting to suffer other negative consequences like breaking up, losing a job, or losing a friend, or not knowing how to confront and arguing with others in a positive, constructive way.

But, not dealing with a situation goes nowhere. Nothing changes because problems do not go away by themselves. Sometimes when in a temporary bad situation, we just have to tough it out, but in interpersonal relationships, where the relationship is important to you, it does not pay to always give in and not make waves. Sooner or later one who always gives in becomes fed up, probably erupts at some point, and may even end the relationship once and for all. Even those who "suck the life" out of others to the extent that they lose their sense of self, eventually lose respect for them and turn their attention to other more interesting people.

When is it not OK to overlook issues? If you find yourself later regretting that you did not speak up earlier, then you probably should have said something. Putting it off only makes matters worse. So, while one legitimately may not deal with every issue in a relationship, because it is minor or temporary, people who always avoid or accommodate the other end up unhappy.

Other reactions to pending conflicts include: aggressive (verbally abusive and using physical force, controlling, dominating) and passive-aggressive (initially agreeing or supporting, but later behind the person's back engaging in "back stabbing"). In my last blog, I talked about the problem with aggressive reactions to conflicts. We all know and dislike someone who is passive-aggressive. Neither are responses we can be proud of.

One last option is the most recommended, assertiveness or standing up for you rights, interests, needs, or concerns, but not at the expense of others. In some cases, this means compromise, where you don't get everything you want or always get what you need, but you figure that something is better than nothing. Better still is what we call collaboration, where everyone is satisfied with the outcome. This is often called a win-win solution to the problem because everyone walks away feeling good about the decision.

This is not to say that I think we all should be assertive in every situation. In cases that are minor or temporary, it may pay to be a team player and nonassertive. When trying to protect oneself from injury by others, it may be necessary to react aggressively in self defense. If someone threatens you, it may be necessary to give in initially but later have the person arrested. However, in most other cases it pays to be assertive and attempt to collaborate more with others. How one better manages her or his conflicts by asserting oneself and collaborating is what this blog is all about.
(Picture by BlackDevil03X)

Did you have to hit her (him): Is violence inevitable?

I remember when a former student came to see me, sat across from me, and told me how he had just hit a guy who angered him at a game arcade in a local shopping mall. He said he lost his cool and wanted help to prevent that from happening again.

The term violence includes physical violence and verbal abuse. I see interpersonal violence, physical aggression, and abusive relationships as types of interpersonal conflict, albeit extreme and unhealthy.

New York like Pennsylvania has many Quakers, who played an important role in our country's development by giving us the city of Brotherly Love (Philadelphia), helping with the League of Nations, creating Alternatives to Violence Programs, Mediation training, and the idea of Restorative Justice. I was trained by Quakers in a local Alternatives to Violence Program, and then allowed to accompany them into two state penitentiaries, one of which was a maximum security prison. We passed through 4 electric gates to get to the most violent offenders. Oddly enough, sitting with them in groups and working through the anti-violence program, I was struck with how much they were like other people I knew on the outside, except for one characteristic: Many did not entertain the idea that there was an alternative to violence in many common situations. When discussing case studies or participating in role plays, they would say, "you can't back down, you have to fight for her, I would have to kill him," etc. When I introduce similar situations in the college classroom, I almost never hear these fighting words. My students seem to recognize that there are alternatives in a conflict situation, whereas many of the inmates did not.

What separates many of us on the outside of the prison from those on the inside is the recognition that conflicts need not turn violent, because we have options when handling our differences with others. The notion of choice applies to interpersonal violence in two ways. First, when we turn violent we are using force to prevent others’ freedom of choice. How many times have you heard defendants in a murder trial say: "I killed her because I couldn't bear to live with out her...I couldn't let her go." Obviously, the murderer had a warped idea of love. I find the following saying useful in cases like these: "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it's yours. If it doesn't, it never really was in the first place." -- Anonymous.

Second, the notion of choice should help us realize that we need not turn violent in the first place. We always have choices in conflict situations, we are all responsible for our own actions, and we can make a difference in our lives and others. Although conflict is inevitable, it need not, and should not get out of hand, turn violent, and harm our relationships with others.

By teaching nonviolent solutions to problems, setting an example in our daily lives, and raising our children to resolve interpersonal conflicts peacefully, we are helping to reduce a serious social problem. Thus, learning to avoid escalation (i.e., learning de-escalation) is an important goal of future postings to this blog. I did have suggestions to give the student who came to see after his fight, so stay tuned.
(Picture by CarsonHill779)

Why do many people hate conflicts?

What would you say if I suggested that we step outside and have a conflict? When I ask people to tell me what they think of the minute I mention the word "conflict," they say: argue, combat, confrontation, disagreement, fight, resistance, tension, threat, violence, warfare, etc. Many of these words are negative.

Why are our first thoughts so negative? I think it is because we have handled so many "disagreements" badly in the past. The media influences us too. We see characters on the screen put each other down, yell, and scream, throw things, and often lose control turning violent. A lot of damage results from many conflicts we have witnessed. No wonder then we try to avoid conflicts or dread those that lie ahead.

Is it possible instead to view conflicts positively? Could we look forward to them? We have to overcome our bias and previous experiences and realize that nothing changes if we don't do something. The only way to improve a situation is to confront it. If an issue or problem is resolved to our satisfaction, we are glad we tackled it and feel more positive about the other person and our relationship. Of course just confronting another alone is not the answer. We need to approach them and the problem in a way that results in mutually satisfying outcomes. We need to learn new, different, and more effective ways to confront others.
(Picture by JoshuaSearls55)

Everyday Conflicts

Think you have no conflicts. Think again. Perhaps your idea of a conflict is an upsetting situation in which you engaged in yelling, screaming, calling each other names, throwing things. This is definitely a conflict, but other events count as well.

Perhaps you are avoiding running into someone. Why? Is that because you differ with the person on some important matter? Have had bad encounters with the other? You can't stand something about the other person but haven't told them what it is?

Perhaps you don't think you have any conflicts because you simply give in. Of course you would rather go somewhere else, see a different movie, engage in another activity, but you don't voice your alternatives. You just go with the flow, but wish otherwise, and don't want to make waves.

There are many definitions of conflict but generally they include the idea that there is a disagreement between people. Usually they either disagree on goals (what to do) or the means to those goals (how to go about it). They may vary in degree ranging from simple differences of opinion to more serious shouting matches and even interpersonal violence. They may also vary in the degree to which they affect the relationship from an "agree to disagree" to ending a conversation by slamming a door or even breaking up a romantic relationship or quitting a job. Not speaking to someone or avoiding another person also counts as conflict.

The conflicts of interest to us are significant ones we have with people who matter, such as our friends, neighbors, romantic partners, and people we work with. When a conflict reaches a point where it threatens our relationship, we have a serious problem on our hands. We know that a big enough conflict can destroy a relationship. Some conflicts that started out small become large because we ignored them or didn't deal with effectively to begin with.

So, do you see that you are involved in conflicts most days? While we encounter disagreements practically everyday, how we manage them is key. Effective conflict management occurs when we come to an agreement that is desirable for all the parties concerned.
(picture by Mermaid5678)

There is no perfect person

One misconception (or myth) is that there is a perfect person out there with whom we will have no conflict. The fact is that everyone (no matter who) presents problems, raises issues, and engages us in conflicts at one time or another.

This is because conflicts arise as we spend more time together and perhaps live together. People down the street may not get on our nerves, next door neighbors do pose more problems (kids, noise, spill over onto your property, park in your spot, etc.), and those we live with add even more problems to the list (i.e., should the toilet seat be left up or down? Which way should the toilet paper be put on the roll?). Some people who do not care if a distant neighbor smokes, can't stand a roommate doing it inside or near their front door. We can tolerate more from strangers than we can from those we spend a lot of time around. That is because we are affected more when those who irritate us are those we are around or care about the most.

So if we plan to spend more time with another person or plan to live with them, we should not be surprised that the list of possible conflicts increases dramatically and the list contains some rather trivial matters.

The point then is not to try to avoid other people or to look for someone who is perfect, but rather to learn how to manage the expected conflicts in our everyday lives. Future posts are designed to help us all better manage our conflicts with others.
(Picture by jewelsbeauty)